Why I missed being around black people and why diversity is a necessity...

Hey guys, so today I want to speak on something that has grazed my mind, nah, actually it has been on the back of my mind for some time now, especially when I’m hanging out with my mixed race of friends. There is an outstanding difference between my conversations with people of color verses certain white people. Now, hear me out, I’m open to meeting people and giving everyone a fair chance unless the vibe is off and they’re messing with me. However, a pattern started to arise and I'm wondering if this is only something that I'm experiencing and no one else... 

 First, let me start by saying that when I mean people of color I mean all types of brown. Every shade of us, and whatever comes to your mind is up to your perspective. And when I mean certain white people... I mean the pretentious, entitled, completely aware of their whiteness person you come across that has been brainwashed to thinking they’re one-up from you and you should be ecstatic by their presence. And although they’re a harmless prey when compared to the more blatantly racist people, they still pose as a threat and can be detrimental to the mindset of our today’s youth. 

 This summer, I worked at a camp that was predominately white, extremely isolating - yet warm and welcoming. The first few weeks weren't bad but I would always feel this sense of missing being around a more diverse group of friends. Like seriously, I remember writing a post saying "I miss being around black people man" as I'm sitting at a table where I was the only black person - no type of color around. It wasn’t like I purposely avoided being around ethnic people, because I would of taken any chance I got to see someone like me, but being that I was in Vermont - a state that had a whopping 3 percent of them of them- finding another black person was harder than searching for a needle in a hay sack.  Nor was it because the people I was around was poor company - they weren’t, my friends are truly great people - I just constantly felt like something was missing. A connection that I needed probably for my sanity was gone and I felt kind of alone. 

It was like there were contradiction of people - some who did not even see me, and some who were so fascinated that all they saw was me. To them I was an attraction, so much in the spotlight, that mere second of me being kind of quiet was noticed before I even got a chance to snap out of my head. I was the fly in the milk, either the center of attention so they’d seek my black opinion or so far down the background of their lives I wasn’t even noticed or just ignored. I remember when a group of my girlfriends were going to a party hosted by a mutual friend of two my very good white friends. And it was beautiful group of us, mixed with multiple races - it was two Black girls, one Asian, a Philippine, and two white girls,  and we all went to a party filled with college going pretentious white people. Big mistake - everything about the party disgusted me, from the way they stuck their noses in the skys to when I was introduced to someone, and they literally looked past me mid conversation and walked away. The disrespect at this frat boy party was real, especially since we just walked in with more colored people than they were use to or cared for. 

Maybe, I was the one that was being poor company, but honestly I couldn’t help it.  Everytime I'm in a predominately white space, I feel out of my element and there's this overweighing assumption that right now, my behavior doesn’t reflect only me. That it reflects my people. 

Believe it or not, you give your token black friend a lot of responsibility. As much as I’m still iffy about the movie “Dear white People” I do agree we need to raise the quota to three, because the pressure is too high for just one of us. It’s felt like my behavior determined what some of these white people would think of my race. That I couldn’t screw this moment up, because I didn’t want to be the one to help create another racist. And it's sad because as much as white people like the idea of diversity, they aren't ready for what that actually entails. It felt like they were sayin you can come in with your black skin but you must leave your blackness by the door. Get rid of your culture, your braids, durags, ethnicity, leave the slang, the baggy clothes, the loudness, the bluntness everything that makes you. They're not ready to hear the type of music I listen to blasted on their speakers, or to twist their mouth up to pronounce the queesha in our blackish names. 

 I know I shouldn’t feel this way, because I don’t speak for all of black people. But honestly, it feel likes you constantly have to remind some white people of that. You have to remind them that my identity is my own, based from my experiences and challenges that I’ve faced and overcame. It’s like constantly explaining just because I’m black does not mean I will not like a certain type of music - I can listen to Taylor swift and still Milly rock to Fetty wop. I will play the Beatles, David Bowie, John Lennon, shit - I’ll even bump to Britney Spears and still turn up to reggae on the next tune. I have to remind them that if I’m angry and express my anger that sometimes I’m actually justified and it doesn’t mean that all black people are angry.  I have to remind them that if their hands come any closer to my hair I might attempt to saw it off, because we pet sheep, cows, chickens and not people. I’m not a barn animal. Do not get me wrong, everyone should be judged by their character and not by the color of their skin and this is in no way shape or form have to deal with my close friends that are Caucasian but like I said, being isolated around predominately white people was draining and it always felt like something was missing.

I realized that sometimes I just get lost in a conversation with a white person, there are exceptions and lovely people I meet, but sometimes I get around those people who gives off a bit of condescending vibes when I speak with them. Like how (note - more than one person has done this so this is why I'm using it as an general assumption based on from my experiences) they'll assume I don't know what they're referencing too (and hell sometimes, I don't ) and start explaining it. 

This one time, a guy was telling me about his friend being Claustrophobic- and he looks at me dead in my face and go - "That's when you don't like being in small spaces" and I'm sure he meant no harm, but I'm not an idiot - you don't have to slow things down. For some reason his assumption that I didn’t know what Claustrophobia meant kind of felt like an insult to my intelligence.  

Or the time a girl just vomited her white guilt onto me when she couldn’t differentiate between class privilege and white privilege and assumed that because she had the means to live in a large estate that it was acquired based on her white privilege. Well, if your real estate agent is a racist and only sells houses in your neighborhood to white people then yes, you’ve accumulated it based on your white privilege - congratulations. But don’t go around saying only white people live in nice houses. 

Then there are the times where I'm lost need them to actually clarify what the hell they're actually talking about. One thing I’ve noticed, is that white people tend to do a lot of name dropping. Like - listing authors of books that probably only sold two copy or some artist from a back street indie band in the 50s that you should of known the name of. I love getting putting onto stuff but when you start listing songs from their album assuming I would know - it irks me.

Like seriously, you expect me to know that? C’mon. Just play the song so we can vibe out to it.

But when I’m around my brothers and sisters it’s a whole different ball game. It’s not that we don’t get deep, or we’re not cultured, because we do and we are - but it’s about how we do it so effortlessly! The strain or discomfort of intense conversations that might hurt your feelings isnt there. They say what they feel, blunt as can be without the disregard for feelings. It can be hurtful, but it’s honest. You don’t feel like someone is sugarcoating or walking around eggshells to make sure they don’t slip up and say the wrong thing. 

  I sat tonight and had conversation with a group of beautiful black people. My friend was creating a short film and he needed a someone to play a role. I told him about another friend of mine that was an aspiring actress and boom a beautiful friendship was formed. We ended up taking pictures and then chilling and somehow got into a deep discussion about what it means to be humble and if it requires humiliating yourself and thinking less of your creativity. There were so many different wonderful opinions about the topic and I didn’t feel that condescending vibe even as my homegirl tried to school me onto new vocabularies and insights.  

Black people have such a fun, humorous, sometimes it can be borderline-disrespectful-but-all-in-the-name-of-love nature that only we can understand. And it's not because we don't go into detail, it's our dialect, our slang, our jokes, how we tell the stories, how we find humor in dark situations and say things that would have a white persons eyes widen (like I can't believe she just said that)... Lol, I'm just going to stop ranting now. Just something thats's been on my mind.