Selfish verse Selflessness.

Life is one constant battle between self-love and selflessness. This message alone was one of my biggest coming of age lessons, the one I struggled with the most.

It took a long reckoning for me to finally become self-aware. The persona I’d created for myself and comfortably conditioned myself in, was the people pleaser.

I was willing to give everyone, everything. My mother, of course, was at the top of the list. I was working jobs I hated, wandering in a long-term relationship that I felt wasn’t going anywhere and was no stranger to feeling like a doormat for my family. I was eager to love and ignorant as to how to love properly.

I wanted them all to be happy no matter how drained I was. I followed the rules, I never disobeyed and I throughly enjoyed life living inside the box. I never questioned authority. I kept silent. I didn’t know who I was. Did I even like the clothes I wore? Or was I wearing it to impress everyone else?

I watched the world unravel before me feeling helpless to so many situations I didn’t know I could change if only I would’ve spoken up. I suppressed my emotions and made myself smaller so that others could feel bigger. I felt taken advantage of, especially on days where I couldn’t say yes, and the person asking for help would act like I never helped them at all.

As I grew older, I grew more confident in my sense of self and individualism. I won’t lie, maybe hormones might of added in some sassiness, but I still stayed safely in my realm of people pleasing. At 14, I was illegally attending internships and didn’t mind the odd jobs getting coffee because I was so blinded by the fashion closet and this “American dream” I was sold on.

I kept feeling this dire need to change overcoming me. As I entered college, I wanted to tap into this newer evolved sense of self. I finally got a taste of real freedom, studying abroad I was able to make my own decisions, do my own laundry for once and really tap into who I was when I was alone.

I fell in love. I loved it so much, I never wanted to please anyone else but myself again. I didn’t know who I was, but I liked her - and shoot she did more for me than all of these other people.

I mean my mom birthed me, BUT WHO’S REALLY KEEPING THIS BODY BREATHING? AMMIRIGHT??

I grew soo self-involved. I was taking self-care to the top notch, hair done, nails done, fed. I prioritized making myself happy first and everything else came after. Everything was great until the people I loved “needs” started clashing with mines. They would want my time and effort in a time I scheduled to do my nails. Someone had to give it up, and I loved myself so much it wasn’t going to be me.

I became the NO queen. The non-people-pleaser. A - IDGAF about people all around badass. Honestly, reflecting back - life was at an all time bliss when I ignored everyone else’s plights.

I mean I didn’t even flinch when I left a 10 year relationship, I didn’t bat an eye as I sent my email of resignation to my boss, I was living the life. No one could ask me to get out of my comfort zone. I liked it there. I could take responsibility for my actions because it was not influence by anyone but myself. I was becoming wholesome, my own best friend but also I became very selfish.

Then the time came around where one of my needs was communication and I looked around me and there was absolutely no one to talk to. All my no’s had driven people away from me. People tend to disappear when they can’t use you for their benefits. My intention wasn’t to hurt anyone with my no’s it was just to put myself first, but I ended up putting people so far down my list - they weren’t even invested in being apart of my life anymore.

I got so lonely. Saying no felt fantastic, owning the words and being firm in my beliefs and the raw honesty and vulnerability was something I could never find. It felt so good, I didn’t notice I got greedy.
I had to check my selfishness. There needed to be some order, I love myself but I also decided that I love these people. If love meant doing things for myself to make me happy then I needed to showcase that love so that others could feel it as well.

I started to find a balance, I set boundaries for other people to not go overboard with asking me constantly to do things for them, but I also willed myself to do more for them. This changed my life for the better. I was able to properly communicate my needs and also learned how to make space for others to do the same.