Stop Abusing your kids.

I was speaking to two strangers on a bus to Philadelphia, and it was a beautiful start of my trip. Our topic ranged from a multitude of things but my favorite was on how to raise children. I’m not trying to tell parents how to do their job, no who’s kidding yes the hell I am and with my years of experience teaching children of all ages, and raising a few of my own in my family I have a few thoughts all parents should take into consideration. After all, advice is free.

Some ways to establish a more responsive and better communication systems between your kids is to:

First and foremost,

STOP BEATING YOUR CHILDREN.

It is a misguided conception of achieving order within your household. Establishing a clear line of communication between you and your child works more effectively. Granted, it may be harder to do so, some say getting out your frustration and scaring your child into submission is the easier route. But there is no easy way out of discipling and raising your child(ren). Beating them will result in them having built up resentment against you, fearing you and eventually them hiding and doing all the things you did not want them to do in the first place.

Refrain from piercing your kids ears, cutting their hair, picking out their clothes for everyday wear until they are at a reasonable age to give consent.

Your child is more than capable of doing these things for themselves once they stop being a toddler. Ask them and let them dress however they please, even if you disagree. Yes, you can offer your opinion, but they’re allowed to say no. Let’s face it, parents may not always know what’s hip. Giving your kid the resources to express themselves will boost their self esteem and help them develop their own sense of style.

Grades slacking? Don’t yell.

If their grades is slipping it means you haven’t been doing your job in keeping up with their studies. Yes, kids may lie and hide things if you give them a reason to. Ensuring the importance of their education is fine and dandy but if you don’t find the time to follow through with it’s upkeep then is it actually important to you? 

Works important right? And you make time for that, why not your child’s education? Yeah, cutting 30mins - 1hr out of your day to check on how things are in school and actually listening to their response will not kill you. What teachers does your child not like and why? This could be an indicator of classes they are struggling in. What are their favorite classes? This could be an indicator of interests that could lead to hobbies to further develops better skills.

You should already have direct communication with their teachers -  even through high school.

Otherwise you have no idea what ideas are being pushed onto your kid(s) and the type of people that are also influencing them.

STOP having your kids at your beck and call.

They are not your slaves. Yes, it’s cool to have them help out ever so often but it is their job to be a kid and enjoy being a kid not taking on your responsibilities due to your laziness.

STOP cutting them off when they try to explain something.

I don’t know how much to stress the fact that kids are human too! Let them get out what they have to say and don’t always jump to conclusions. Don’t think that they are lying either because that closes the line of communication between you and your child. Be patient, it’ll take them longer to communicate what has happened and how they are feeling because they’re still learning to understand their feelings and reasoning behind their actions. Most of the time, it is influenced by you, the media and their friends. Kids struggle to understand social cues and exactly how to take ownership for their actions but you won’t know what those actions are if you don’t let them finish saying what they have to say.

DO offer positive incentive and strict consequences that you stick by.

You’ve probably heard the phrase, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, (yes another assumption and I don’t even understand who would want to catch flies, but whatever) Giving your kids rewards or incentive for doing  exceptionally well or responsible will compel them to understand that projecting positive energy could result in the returning of that positive energy.  It is your responsibilty to get them excited to want to do better. Well, cheat your way out and offer up some briberies. Some incentives could be rewarding good reports with a trip to the movies, or a surprise game night. Taking them to a place they’d really like, or buying them a special item they’ve been asking for if they remembered all week to do their chores. Money works too,  you don’t need to just spend it on weird presents during holidays that they’ll never wear . It also doesn’t hurt to start teaching them how to handle it early on either. Remember not to break your promises and stick behind what you say you’d do.

Be a role model.

Children will always look up to the figureheads in their lives whether you want them to or not. They will feel compelled at times to follow after what you do. Make sure you’re setting positive examples and don’t do the things you tell them not to do.

DO teach your child about their individualism.

Do listen to their ideas, thoughts and concerns. DO respect when they say NO and understand they are allowed to disagree with you.  They are people, too. 

Parents aren’t always right, you should know that from your experience with your own. (Yeah, I’m assuming, I know.)

I’ve learned that my mother went through a lot of conditioning that I as an adult had to unpack and teach myself that not everything is black and white and as binary as older folks may make it seem.

I realize working with adults and students that adults have the tendency to use their authoritative responsibilities to their advantage and manipulate children into their ideas. It’s never the case to push on your belief onto children. Ask them question so see where they stand and get them to form their own ideas. Let them style their own outfits and give them responsibility of their bodies. Help them manifest even the simplest ideas so they can know of the endless capabilities of their potential.